Not easy

This week has sucked. I’m not even going to sugar coat it. It just really freaking sucked! You know last weekend, I never would have thought it would be the last weekend I would spend with Legacy. This post will be long and sucky, so if you cry easily you may want some tissues.

Lately (the past few weeks) Legacy was having bladder issues. I don’t know if that was just old age or what. But we ended up having to put diapers on her while she sat on the couch. Which wasn’t too bad, she did get used to it.

On Saturday someone suggested I take her to the vet (she could have a UTI they said). So I did. Sat at the vet for hours. They did bloodwork (which all came back good and they said nothing alarming.) She did have some white blood cells that were increased but that could be the infection. So they sent us home with antibiotics. We had only given her two doses. (one Saturday night, one Sunday morning) before she just wasn’t having ANYTHING. No food, no water, no treats, nothing. A vet I talked to said it could just be that the antibiotics are making her stomach hurt. So I opted to stop with that until she felt better.

Monday I started my new job so I had to go into the office for a bit. When I got home I noticed she did drink water, but no food. So I called the vet and took her back that evening. They couldn’t figure it out. So they gave her some fluids and some medicine that they said would bring her appetite back. So back home we went. Still no eating. She didn’t even want lunch meat!

Tuesday morning I called again. Explained that she still wasn’t eating. They asked me to bring her in and drop her off and that they would try to feed her there. So I met James on my lunch break and gave Legacy to him to take to the vet. We went to pick her up that evening and that’s when my world started to crumble. I was so hoping I would get there and she would be bouncing around and excited to go home. Instead, she was out of it. They had to sedate her and tube feed her. The vet gave us some wet food to try, but his words were, “At this point, you are pretty much just giving her hospice care.” I nodded, thank them and walked outside where the tears instantly started. My baby was dying. My precious little girl was dying and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

I cried the entire way home. I barely made it through dinner. For the rest of the night I sat with her. Told her how much I love her and how amazing she was. Then bed time came. Ugh, I was not wanting to sleep (and I barely did).

We climbed into bed and got her situated in her spot on the bed. I noticed she was shaking an awful lot so I scooped up her and her blanket and brought her up to me and she stopped shaking almost immediately. I held her in my arms all night. And that’s not an exaggeration. Every time I needed to flip sides, I moved her first and then myself. I was up for most of the night either petting her or moving us so we were comfortable.

Just minutes before James’s alarm went off I felt Legacy’s breathing slow down, a lot. And I knew it was happening. I pet her, told her I loved her, and just held her as close as I could until she just stopped breathing. My heart shattered into millions of pieces. I stayed that way until James said we needed to get up.

I knew she wouldn’t live forever, but I was not in the slightest prepared for losing her. We took her to get cremated that morning. I spent the entire day crying. I cry every single day. We picked her up Saturday morning. Her ashes, her clay paw print and an ink paw print (because you know a tattoo will be in my future). While I’m glad to have her home, it’s not the same and my heart is just torn. She was more than just my dog. She was my child. My best friend, my protector, my sidekick, my princess. Hell, I liked her way more than I like most humans. It’s hard for me to find any human I like more than her. (And I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just true).

So if anyone is wondering how I am, I suck. I’m sad and I’m missing my girl. I miss hearing her little feet walk across the floor. I miss having her move three thousand times a night because she can’t get comfortable. I miss her little butt sliding into the crack of the couch while I sit there writing or messing on my computer. I miss her climbing into our laps just to get a good smell of the food we have. I miss her head tilting when I scratch her ears. I miss the little dance she does when she knows she’s getting treats. I miss her growling at Bear because he’s being a dick. I miss her growling at me to get her off the bed in the morning so we can go outside. I just simple MISS HER! My life will never be the same. There will always be a hole in my heart.

I set up a memorial page for her (because someone in the grief group I’m in told me it helps. It hasn’t really, but it’s nice to see.

See animals don’t seem to get the same kind of attention that humans get when it comes to death. People say, “Oh it was just a dog.” or “It would be different if it were (insert human here).” Well let me tell you something, IT SUCKS! When you get an animal and you bring that animal into your home, it becomes part of your family. You feed them, you care for them if they get sick. You buy them toys, you share your LIFE with them. To me, my dogs are my CHILDREN. They act better than most kids. So losing an animal is like losing a child. So yeah, I’ll be sad for a long time. I’m going to be heartbroken for a long time.

That’s all I have for today. I have writing to do and yeah. If you want to check out her memorial, here’s the link below.

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/LEGAC001/Resident.htm